Journey of Pam


"I just need to get the hell away from here!" That was about a year ago. It just all of a sudden made perfect sense to me. Nothing had been going right, it was all just bullshit after bullshit. I couldn't stop feeling trapped and frustrated. Deep down I knew that if I went away, just traveled for a little while then everything (with me) would be all right. But I knew deeper down that the loneliness would still persist.

Any ways, my feelings of getting away to somewhere new came clear to me last year when I was in one of my sessions with my psychiatrist. Yes that's right my psychiatrist. That word seems to conjure up so many images - psyche wards, whiteness, darkness - and the sense of inadequacy. You canít solve your own problems so go and see a shrink. I know that's what most people really think. I know that's what I used to think. I don't know if her help was doing any good, but it definitely made it clear that I needed to get away.

I wondered if that's why most people travel. Is it really to see other cultures? Or is it to go somewhere no one knows you? Once you step into another place, nobody around you knows your deep dark secrets or your true person. When traveling, you're someone with a backpack and you're so busy figuring out where to go and what to do that you don't have time to think about yourself. Always stay busy. I used to think that. Keep busy and you don't have to deal with what's really happening in you mind. It's all self-denial, but at least it makes you get up in the morning.

This is my old philosophy. My conversion came when I everything came crashing down one day and I realized I didn't have what it takes to get grounded again. I was floating, drifting, even before I was traveling.

Find yourself. What is that supposed to mean? We find ourselves going to university, we find ourselves in relationships, we find ourselves experiencing other things. Each time I do something, or I'm in a relationship with someone I'm always different. A place, a person will bring out different part of me, aspects I never knew existed. Sometimes this can be the most wonderful thing.

But this is not what happened to me in Italy, six months, two days and three hours ago. I found this destructive side to me that I never knew existed. Sure in high school and university small pieces of it emerged - I drank too much, smoked way too much - but I never thought I did it to destroy myself.

I can think back to my teenage years and even a little later, I never had a good relationship, but instead I would always seek out the guy I knew wouldn't want a relationship. This way I could have the physical intimacy of feeling someone hold me, but I would never have to share myself. I always have to keep part of me hidden, deep down, so far down that no one even knew parts of me were hiding.

This is what's so amazing about traveling, I can keep all of me hidden. This way there's no mess to deal with, there's no anger. It's just me traveling.

I was in Europe with two of my friends for a month after graduation. We decided to tour around the coast of the Mediterranean. We did Spain, Portugal, some of France and Italy. One of my friends, Kathy, made a point of sleeping with a guy in every country. "Spread the love," she said. I thought "yeah, you spread it all right." I didn't want to condemn her, but I did. And at the same time I wanted to be her. She was of course tall, slim, big tits - you know your basic nightmare. I couldn't help being jealous, I knew I looked all right when I saw myself in the mirror. But I wasn't what guys stopped to stare at, and this made me jealous. See what I mean, different people, different parts of me.

I didn't know what was happening, I think I stepped outside myself once I stepped on foreign ground. There are so many people coming and going, busy with their lives and I was just caught in all of it. It was incredible and terrifying at the same time. This is what probably led to my, . . . to my rape. I knew I was lost, and I continued being someone else - someone I now despise.

I met him, I went back to his place, I said no, and that's it. There's nothing I can say. I willingly went to his place, everyone saw us together sitting at the table. Laughing and flirting. No one would believe me, especially in another country. You don't matter over there, you can leave your hostel and never return and no one would be the wiser.

But I know now that I am wiser. I know all the people who live inside my world. I know you can never escape yourself because parts of you will always come along for the ride.


Back to Projects